Let that (CO2) go

Ironman 70.3 AC - Sept 2016 was not my best race. The heat killed my run...which is generally my best leg of the race. I cried a few miles in. I wasn't going to PR, I was sure of it. I wasn't going to achieve what I had been working so hard for. But I realized I had to let that ish go and just get to the finish line. Sometimes you have to let go to keep moving forward. And you know what? I still PR'd. Psychology is such an important aspect of endurance training.

Friday was supposed to be a day just like any other. Busy, but manageable.

Workout. Work. Workout #2. Club meeting. Socialize. Sleep.

That's been my life lately, and I seem to be getting it all accomplished...somehow.

My new triathlon friend Jodi has three small kids, a full time job, just moved to a new house, and is training for an Ironman. AND she still manages to get dinner on the table! Talk about a superwoman. She's my role model.

I look at her and it motivates me to get it all done, too. After all, I'm young(ish), single, no kids, no huge obligations other than work, Ironman training, Airbnb hosting, keeping up with friends, and some clubs/volunteering. Surely this is all doable, right?

Often I overbook myself, and I fail to get it all done. Or I do it all, but it's very stressful, and somewhat hasty. I suppose you can call it blind optimism...I truly believe I can do everything, and that I will have the time for it all. Unfortunately, my idealism does not always meet reality.

Yesterday I had another two-a-day workout.

Bike in the AM. Swim in the PM.

Stress.

How was I going to fit it in? Work was going long. The pool was going to close early. If only I had done it in the AM. If only I had taken the day off from work. If only I had canceled one of my many extracurriculars. Why do I take on so much?

My internal dialog was getting negative and I couldn't live in that space. I tried to quiet it. I couldn't. So I turned to a colleague.

Without hesitation he said, "Michelle, you have to decide what's most important to you and do that. But I have no doubt you can do it all. Just breathe."

And that's what I did. Big inhale, big exhale.

When I practiced yoga back in the day, my instructor always ended the class by telling us every breath is a new chance to start over, collect yourself, and make a change. I just forgot somewhere along the way that it's really as simple as that.

So I looked at my day. My options. The timeline.

At the moment, training is the most important thing in my life, outside of work. I knew that the rest of my evening would be thrown off had I not gotten in my swim. I would have beaten myself up about it and not enjoyed the rest of my day. So, I got my work done, jetted over to the pool before it closed, got my swimswam on just in time.

And I'm so so glad I did because during my swims, I sometimes have these cathartic moments that reveal aspects about myself I never knew, or have suppressed. It's almost like the water washes off all the surface level BS of life and leaves you surrounded by your deepest thoughts. The underwater of your mind. I ask questions that turn into ideas about stories I want to write, or goals I want to accomplish. It's an inner monologue I can only describe as going into my own psychology.

During a set of short sprints, when I couldn't wait to take in the next breath...I started thinking, what if it isn't that I'm waiting for the next inhale. What if I'm really just waiting for the next exhale? Waiting to let it all go? Get rid of the waste. Let go of the CO2.

Yes we need to intake oxygen, but we also need to let go of carbon dioxide. You can't have one without the other, or we'd all be corpses.

Science aside, I realized I'd been taking in so much metaphorical oxygen, without letting go of any of the waste generated from the intake. I was holding it all in. Adding more and more without letting go.

I felt like a massive Jenga stack waiting to tumble over. And sometimes I can take it and do it all and still function. But yesterday taught me that you know what? It's okay to listen to your id sometimes. It's okay to not be a martyr. It's okay to not be everything to everyone, all the time. And if that means doing one less thing? Seeing one less friend? Going to one less event? Maybe even upsetting or disappointing someone? Then that's okay!!! I'm human. I need to off load. To exhale.

I care and carry so much, that this aspect of letting go is so difficult for me. But starting from today on, I'm going to start saying 'no' when I feel I cannot handle it all. I'm going to keep doing all of the things! BUT I'm also going to respect my limits.

Yes, I'm breaking so many physical, emotional and mental limitations during my Ironman training, and that motivates me more than anything. But I also need to know when to set limits on myself so that I stay sane. And stay in the correct lane. This is a long LONG journey. I need to keep myself in check. I need to let go sometimes.

And anyone who knows me, knows that letting go is the hardest thing in the world for me. I don't let go of things often or easily. This includes sentimental clothing from high school that I think I may still wear someday (guilty).

IN A NUTSHELL: Letting go is hard, but it's a vital part of cellular life, mental acuity, AND emotional stability.

Until next blog,

Michelle