A date with the lions

This is such a fucking hard day for me.

As I'm sure it is for most single people on Valentine's Day. But it cuts a little deeper for me.

It's also an anniversary that no longer exists. An absence of a huge presence that I feel so heavily. I had forgotten how eviscerating, how subcutaneous, how all enveloping this pain was. I had forgotten how lonely "lonely" felt.

Maybe I hadn't forgotten at all...I had just pushed it aside until this date summoned a raw awareness of the damage that still lies beneath.

It's pretty incredible what we can hide from ourselves, though these feelings tend to never stay hidden too long. The pain, that is.

I suppose I'm a glutton for pain. Why else would I be drawn to do an Ironman...let alone triathlons in general. They are painful. There's something about an endurance athlete's mindset that is really not normal. We live in thresholds of shear agony. We hold on to it. We learn to become comfortable in these stretches of pure misery. But we do it, because it will make us better athletes.

I'm really trying to learn to live with my emotional pain, too, and not just side step it. Ironman training is teaching me that there's no easy way. And there's no avoiding the really difficult, or really long workouts. There's only really one way: through. The same applies to heartbreak. I feel like I've been circling it for so long. Orbiting around its presence. But never touching it. Never going through it. I didn't want to. I didn't think I could endure it. It still seems worse than an Ironman, to me.

People have told me this breakup will hurt like hell (true) and that I will question if it was worth it (also, true). But that eventually I will start to heal, each day will start to get a little better, and I will start to find strength.

I haven't found that strength yet. I'm still building, growing, healing. Just as I am with my training. Building up the endurance, growing my muscular strength, and then recovering for the next phase.

The parallels I'm finding through this sport and my life are astonishing. I'm constantly learning about myself and what I can do.

So, to celebrate this most joyous of days, tonight I had a date with the lions. Coach had me do 30 minutes of hill repeats next to the zoo! So, there was that. The Atlanta Ave. hill is a BEAST. If you ever want to destroy your legs (and soul)...go there. I promise you won't want to go back. Again, I had to live in the pain. There was no stopping, or slowing. I had to keep going.

During this workout, I stopped looking at the timer. What was the point, anymore? I knew that there was an up and there was a down. And that I'd have to do them both, over and over again ... and that's just how life is, too.

Just when I thought my legs could do no more, I glanced at my watch and saw that, yes, I had spent the necessary time in the hurt locker. I had made it through.

IN A GIST: Pain sucks. But there's no way around it but through it.